My Life's Quest

I graduated high school with a goal: Pharmacy School. I wanted to do something great in the world and prove to myself that I could do anything. I wanted to make good money, be a professional, and I wanted to be a mom. This was the perfect career, how could anything go wrong?

I'd prayed sincerely back in October to know if it was right. I chose Pharmacy School and prayed, and I never got a "no," so I stuck with it. I pushed myself hard and I planned on an exceptionally hard school schedule to get it done in time. I was enrolled in Physiology and Calculus for the summer semester and many more hard classes in the Fall and Spring. I was pushing myself to the limit.

I went to three days of school this semester, and something simply wasn't right. My physiology class was exciting and interesting, but calculus wasn't clicking. It had been a year too long and the information wasn't coming back. I tried so hard to understand integrals again, using manuals, equation sheets, but nothing made sense. I simply couldn't do both classes and succeed.

My last option was to buy the solution manual and hope that it would help just a little with calculus. When I bought it she said that the last day to return it for a full refund was the next day. I'd been thinking of dropping it, but this kicked me into hyperdrive. I needed to decide TODAY.

Dropping calculus would put me a year behind in my pharmacy goal. As things were I would graduate at about 24, but putting off having children for that long isn't something I wanted to do. As I discussed things with my mom we thought absolutely everything through. The most important thing I discovered though was this: When I graduate I will accumulate at least $100,000 in debt. But when I graduate my plan was to immediately be a stay at home mom. In order to get rid of that debt I would need to work for three years and save every penny I could, and still not pay it off. That plan doesn't work when children enter the picture.

I've always wanted to be a mom, but that thought seemed so far distant that I started to focus more on my career. Through this realization and many things mentioned by my wonderful institute teachers, I've put my priorities in order again, and I'm going to be a mother--not a pharmacist. I didn't realize how far away I'd gotten until I took a step back and looked at myself. I wanted prestige more than I wanted a family. Now I want a family more than anything else in the world. I love mine sooooo much, and I hope that one day my kids will love me the way I love my parents.

I decided to let go of that dream in favor of a better one. Once I had made that choice I felt liberated, free, and at peace. My prayer had finally been answered--on the Lord's time. There is a reason I'm here in Logan this summer, and there's a reason I went through the things I did. My physiology class feels right, and even though I don't necessarily need it, I'm going to stick with it because I love it.

My mom found the most wonderful scriptures and shared them with me. It felt like he was speaking directly to me and telling me that it was right. They apply to every major life decision I think, and I hope someone finds them helpful like I did:

2 Nephi 32:1,3,5,9

D&C 11:12-14

I've found that the Lord knows and cares about us each individually, and sends us tender mercies all day long. When I went home I got online and found out that the next day was the last day to drop a class and get a full refund. I'll get my money back, and calculus will just be like it never happened.

My life doesn't have a firm direction right now, but I've never been so sure that I'm doing the right thing. The pressures of the PCAT, getting good grades, taking hard classes, have all ceased and now I can relax and just be Taylor. I'm thinking about becoming a PTA and perhaps getting a degree in Psychology or something, but it doesn't matter right now. I'm happy the way I am and so very excited for life!

So Taylor the aspiring Pharmacist is no more... But whatever is next sounds exciting!